10 Steps to Work on Social Anxiety

Do you struggle with social anxiety? The DSM 5 refers to this phenomenon as having a persistent fear of being embarrassed, humiliated or judged negatively in a social setting, leading the person experiencing it to avoid such settings or be able to endure them only with distress.

What might that look like? Let's break it down a bit. And if you're already well-familiar with what social anxiety is, then feel free to jump down to 10 Steps to Work on Your Social Anxiety below.

A few examples of how social anxiety might show up in someone's life are:

-not raising your hand in the classroom for fear that you'll be laughed at

-re-reading the email you're writing to your boss again and again, trying to make it perfect before hitting that send button

-avoiding going bowling with your friends because you think you'll be made fun of if you get a gutter ball

-not contributing in a work meeting for fear you'll be perceived as weird or wrong

-revising a text reply to your friend multiple times before responding, for fear they might take you the wrong way or be offended. This might lead to not responding at all.

-avoiding having people over because you don't want them to see your mess

-feeling heightened and irritable before guests are coming over due to high expectations of everything turning out perfectly

Does any of that sound familiar? If so, you may be experiencing social anxiety.

It's important to differentiate that having social anxiety does not mean that there's an aversion to people or social settings in and of themselves, but rather that there's great discomfort in certain situations or environments due to the belief that there will be embarrassment or humiliation brought on, even if nothing is outright said or done to suggest any negative judgment from others.

Someone with social anxiety can walk away from a situation mentally stuck on one thing they said or did and their brain will tell them "why in the world did you do that?' This might turn into something that person thinks about over and over, maybe even unable to fall asleep that night, and is called "post-event rumination": a common feature of social anxiety.

So, what can we do about this?

Like all other anxiety-related experiences, the ultimate goal is being able to practice accepting the inevitable uncertainty we will encounter in life. In the case of social anxiety, the Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) approach encourages using openness and acceptance of feelings and unwanted thoughts inevitably making their appearance, defusion from thoughts that are unhelpful to us (that is to say, taking them less seriously and getting unhooked from them, no longer allowing them to call the shots), and using our values to remind us of why it might be important to work through the discomfort of social situations through the exposure exercises that we do.

10 Steps to Work on Your Social Anxiety

1) get clear on where and when your social anxiety shows up the most. Is it only with friends? Is it showing up everyday at work? Do you only feel it when you're with your family? Maybe it's showing up in all these environments. Think: where do I hold back, avoid, say no when I really want to say yes? These are the settings social anxiety may be present.

2) ask yourself: what am I afraid of happening? What does fear tell me is going to happen if I_____________? Perhaps you're afraid of feeling small, clamming up, getting angry, lashing out, being dismissed, being fired from your job, being abandoned or rejected. Try to get clear on what the underlying fear is.

3) write down the ways that you avoid those bad things from happening. Maybe you RSVP no, maybe you stay quiet in meetings, maybe you are always agreeable with that friend even though you really don't want to always do what they want to do. Try to pay attention to any urge to avoid.

4) look at the ways that you try to make things perfect to prevent judgment. Before someone comes over are you rushing around making everything spotless? Are you re-reading that reply-all email at work 1000 times before sending? Take note at all the things you do to prevent that feared negative judgment, big or small.

5) consider how these habits of avoidance, perfectionism, and holding back hinder you. What is this leading to? Is it really keeping you safe from the negative judgment? Do you want other's judgment to govern what you do? Do you want life to feel so limited?

6) take note of the values most important to you. You can search "value cards" or "value card sort" on your internet browser to view and decipher which ones are most important to you. Try to pick your top 10 or so values. Don't confuse them with goals which are things we want to achieve. Values are the things you find important to live by in your everyday life. A few examples are: integrity, determination, family, community, honesty, beauty, etc.

7) use your values to determine what changes you want to make in the social settings you feel anxiety in. Maybe saying yes to bowling means you get to have fun. Maybe sharing your feelings with your friend helps you feel connected and honest.

8) consider small steps you can start taking to challenge yourself to reduce avoidance and perfectionism. Maybe this looks like inviting someone over spontaneously without being able to make your environment perfect first. Maybe it looks like only skimming through an email for grammar or spelling mistakes and then sending it before you have the chance to re-read it all over again. Maybe that first step needs to be even smaller: saying no to an activity with friends you don't care for, and suggesting a different activity instead. When considering these small steps/actions, ask yourself, does this get me a little closer to living my values in this area? If the answer is yes, try it out!

9) sit with the discomfort, allow it room, and then let it go. If you've always said yes to that one friend and you're about to say no to their restaurant suggestion for the first time, know that some discomfort is bound to show up. Discomfort does not mean you're doing something wrong, it means you're doing something different. Why is it worth it? Because this is one step closer to living your values and not letting anxiety call the shots.

10) rinse and repeat! Through continued practice, you are likely to notice that you're starting to feel a little more comfortable with doing the things you once avoided. Even if the discomfort hangs around for a while, you'll see that it's something you're capable of getting through, and ultimately, you'll see that doing the work to face your social anxiety is worthwhile and meaningful, with growth and opportunities on the other side!